Monday, March 21, 2011

Christian Fearing God-Man

My dad said to me once, “you’re not a Christian, you’re a Catholic.”
So let’s start this off right so that we all know what page I’m on: Fundamentalists are retarded.  If you are one of the millions of people who are now offended with that little gem of literary flourish, fear not! for I am about to tell you why you’re retarded.
Many Christians believe, in their heart of hearts, that all non-Christians, homosexuals, and Catholics are doomed to go to hell because they haven’t “accepted Jesus as their personal savior”; or because they give up eating meat on Fridays during Lent.  To them, God is a being that created humanity, claims to love us unconditionally, and then purposely does shit to trick us into damning our souls for an eternity of pain and torture.
But he “so loved the world that he sacrificed his only son,” right?  So perhaps he’s not an asshole prankster, but more like a dad who believes in tough love; tough, eternal, fire-and-brimstone, skin flayed from the bone to inflict unimaginable pain for the rest of your unnatural existence, inhumanly tortured soul love.
Either God is a sick fuck, or some people are developmentally challenged.  Let’s be reasonable here.  Does it make sense that a God who loves us, and wants nothing more than for us to be with him in bliss for eternity, would purposely insert tests and trickeries into the fabrics of life, knowing that billions of humans will fall for said tricks and earn a spot in the hate pit?  It’s more likely that God is actually as forgiving as the bible says He is, and that his compassion truly does extend to all of us sinners, and not just to the faithful followers of the Evangelical movement.
There’s no secret that Fundamentalists, who believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, have gone way off the theological deep end with this stuff.  This is what happens, Larry (The Big Lebowski), when morons who have the cognitive capacity of a 5th grader try to interpret a complex and voluminous religious text that was written over 2,000 years ago.
The Bible has become a weapon in the hands of intolerant, homophobic hate-mongers.  For these ass-clowns, the Bible gives them license to protest funerals, proclaiming God is killing off innocent people to punish America for being too tolerant of homosexuality.  Instead of doing what Jesus told them to do—to be compassionate—they feel it necessary to unleash their retarded vitriol via reverse peristalsis.  Jesus would be so proud.
I once told a friend of mine (who mistook me for an atheist) that I am a “God-fearing Christian man.”  He comically quipped “you’re more of a Christian-fearing God man.”  He’s right.  If being a Christian means being a giant asshole and shitting allover every “sinner” in the world, then you’re God damned right I’m afraid of Christians.  And ironically, the pejorative “you’re not a Christian, you’re a Catholic,” becomes a mark of pride.  I’d rather go to hell for being a loud-mouthed intellectual Catholic than for being a loud-mouthed idiot who thinks God planted dinosaur bones in the ground to test our faith.  Morons.  – Jack Camwell


Johanna said...

Agreed, except for the idea that the word retarded is a gem of literary flourish and that dinosaur bones weren't planted in the ground to test our faith ;)

Jack Camwell said...

Self-deprecation my dear. Nothing on this site should ever be considered literary flourish =)