Friday, March 25, 2011

Julien Assange: The Greatest Man in the History of Everything, Ever

Unfortunately, sarcasm doesn’t come out well in text.  So just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I was being completely sarcastic with that headline.  Next to Michael Moore, Assange is probably one of the world’s biggest douchebags.
"So . . . many . . . penises . . ."


I get it: there’s shady shit that goes down in government, corporations, or whatever, and he wants to get it all out there.  Do I have a problem with him leaking shit about malfeasance on the part of a government or corporation?  No.  Do I have a problem with him leaking classified government information and diplomatic cables?  Of course I do.

Diplomatic cables are classified and not open to public consumption for a reason:  government officials need real insight to diplomatic situations.  Apparently, our ambassador to Mexico has resigned because his revelation that Mexican security forces are engaged in a perpetual penis measuring contest was released, and the Mexican government doesn’t trust him anymore.

I guess they’re pissed because our official position is that they’re doing a good job.  Some people have been shocked over how candid our diplomats are in their assessments, and on the surface something like this looks pretty embarrassing.  But if those who think it’s embarrassing do a reality check for one second, then they’ll realize how hypocritical they’re being.

Question:  If a friend of yours asks you how you feel about someone you hate, and you tell your friend how you really feel about that person, what’s the likelihood that you would say exactly how you feel to that person’s face?  “Dude, you fucking suck and I hate you.”  That’s not very diplomatic, is it?  And how pissed would you be if you wrote an email about that guy, and then someone who you thought you could trust posted it on facebook for everyone to see?

It's photos like this that remind me why
I avoid having my picture taken.

 Personally, I’d be pretty fucking pissed.  I should be able to choose which of my ideas are made public.  I mean I’m using a pen name so that I’ll face as little reprisal for my vitriol as possible.  I like to think that people value my opinions because they know I’m not bullshitting them.  And I trust them to not blab my shit all over the world when they ask for my opinion on something in confidence.  So what good would a diplomat’s opinion be if he or she has to hold back knowing that asshats like Assange are always lurking to expose their private communiqués?  

Should we hold them to a “higher standard,” just because they are diplomats?  Maybe, but should you also be held to a higher standard?  Is it wrong to call a foreign official an asshole, but okay to call anyone else in any other circumstance a douchebag?  Does anyone honestly think that the diplomats of other nations think the sun shines out of our collective ass?

I wonder if Assange would be okay with someone hacking his email and posting every email he ever wrote on the internet.  Oh, but that’s an invasion of privacy, right?

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