Friday, March 25, 2011

Please, by all means: Be Gay

There’s two sides to the question of gay marriage, political and religious.  I intend to shit on both of them.

So enough with the formalities: homosexuality is not immoral, gay marriage can’t exist, and gay couples should be allowed to enter into legally recognized unions in which the community at-large deems them a couple who have committed themselves to each other.

Why does gay sex have to be immoral?  Because Leviticus says so?  Leviticus is also down with having slaves, and divorcing your wife if she is not “good enough,” for you.  So is homosexuality immoral because it’s gross?  I admit that I’m not down with dude-on-dude action.  I’m pretty damn okay with girl-on-girl action as long as they are both hot.  But does that mean that it’s okay for two hot chicks to make out, but it’s horribly immoral for two dudes to make out?  I mean, there’s plenty of sexual stuff out there that I think is gross, but does that make it immoral?

Maybe God should have been more explicit with sex rules.  Donkey punches are okay as long as you don’t knock her out.  The Dirty Sanchez is never okay.  The Phantom is okay only if she’s in to that stuff.  Okay, so God did say “bros don’t fuck bros,” which is explicit, but he also supposedly told the Jews to kill men, women, and children so they would stay “pure,” and unchallenged in their faith.  But don’t you see how retarded it becomes when you start splitting hairs like this?

We’re human, and because we’re human, most of us are going to be attracted to some freaky shit.  True, some people aren’t attracted to anything freaky but that’s because they’re boring.  However, being boring doesn’t make you pious.  It just makes you boring.

"Thou shalt fuck each other, but please, NO Cleveland
Steamers.  For that is just fucked up."
The Catholic in me firmly believes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with fucking.  I don’t think it even matters that you be married.  Is this license for promiscuity?  No.  I just think it’s retarded to believe that God made us into sexual beings just so that we could never have sex without feeling guilty.  Face it: if you think homosexuality is morally wrong, it’s only because you think it’s gross.  And if you think it’s wrong because the bible says so, go read the bible again and tell me, with a straight face, that there are zero logical inconsistencies.

As for the political implications, it’s probably wrong that a group of people are not allowed to be legally recognized as a united couple.  Who’s to say that true love and devotion can’t be found between two dudes?  “But Jack, if we allow gay marriage then what’s next?  Legalized bestiality marriages?  Polygamy?  You’re promoting the dissolving of our moral fabric!”

Oh hypothetical nay-sayer (HTNS), you never cease to remind me that humans can be incredibly retarded.  Let’s be real here for a second.  Marriage, gay or straight, shares one thing in common: two consenting adults coming together in matrimony.  Last I checked, Fido isn’t a human and cannot, therefore consent to anything.  And secondly, polygamy is not marriage.  They might call their whores “wives,” but they’re really just prostitutes that they don’t have to pay.  So if gay marriage is legal everywhere, what do we tell the inevitable retards that want to marry animals or several people?  We tell them to fuck off.  Fair?  Maybe not.  Reasonable?  Absolutely.

Natalie and Mila making out: Proof that there is a God.

Should there be an amendment to the constitution that makes gay marriage legal everywhere?  I'm not sure.  Why?  Because the constitution doesn't govern things like marriage.  Like a drivers license, marriage and its requirements are left up to the states.  Should every state legally recognize same-sex unions?  Absolutely.  If the vote came to my state, I’d vote “yes” all the way. 

As liberal and progressive as this may sound, I would seriously appreciate it if dudes would keep their public make-out sessions to a minimum.  But as for the ladies, you keep on truckin’.


Anonymous said...

"being boring doesn’t make you pious. It just makes you boring."

Can't.... stop... laughing....

Excellent Post.

Jack Camwell said...

Thank you anonymous =)

I'm glad that someone enjoys my humor. Thanks for stopping by =D