Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A PSA from the CDC: Political Herpes and You

This PSA is brought to you by the CDC, the Center for Douchebag Control.

Herpes: An STD that never goes away.
I know, I know. There’s enough Palin vitriol to go around in just about any news rag that allows for op-ed pieces, so why should I pile it on? Well, I’m going to do so mostly because the people at the Washington Post do not have the liberty to refer to her as an STD. Oh, and I plan to say "fuck" a few times, which they are also not allowed to say. 

Anyway, Sarah Palin is like a case of herpes: extremely annoying and never goes away. It’s not being a Conservative that makes her annoying, it’s the fact that she is promoting radical conservatism through channels and means that are meant to target the biggest political tards in the country. Every time some big national whatthefuckever happens, Sarah Palin jumps on twitter and starts shitting. And she usually spits out strings of reactionary vomit mixed in with made-up words that are meant to inflame some sense of righteous indignation in her arch-conservative base.

Sarah Palin: An STD that never
goes away.
Palin might refudiate these infercations, but there’s no secret to her success. Her popularity is based on her being edgy, and she knows that all she has to do is tap into the fears and frustrations of the average American moron who barely passed American Government in high school. I mean, could you imagine her tweeting about Locke’s Natural Rights theory? Or how about the Hobbesian Problem; or what Machiavelli’s Il Principe was actually trying to say?

Unless the constituents of the Tea Party actually become smarter and better read over night, then Sarah Palin will never go away. Because she is hot, I like to think that she is smarter than people perceive her; that the whole "oh I’m just a simple moose-hunter mama bear from Alaska who happens to have a great rack," bit is just a calculated façade.

America has almost always been anti-intellectual, so she knows that if she says things like "achieving Jeffersonian ends through Hamiltonian means," she’s going to lose her audience. In fact, most assholes would say "well I know who Thomas Jeffersonian was, but who the fuck was this Hamiltonian guy? He sounds like a queer!" So as long as there are political idiots willing to listen, there will be Sarah Palin.

"Me?  Infectious?"
Yes, the nation has problems. But does that mean that we have to resort to demagogues who gain support simply by shitting on Obama? Unlike Palin, I would never be able to make it in politics because I’m way smarter and more realistic than most people who vote. The only way I could be successful would be to sacrifice my soul, sleep with the whore of ignorance and idiocy, and spread herpes to all the other ignorant dip shits who call themselves "Tea Partiers."

"But Jack, aren’t you just like Palin? Aren’t you saying really edgy and off-the-wall things to grab the attention of your audience?" Good question, hypothetical nay-sayer. I do say things like fuck, shit, and whore, all to be edgy so that I get your attention. But the difference is that I'm only edgy to grab your attention.  I actually try to convey a message that's a little deeper than "*angry face* evil big government!"  Palin requires that you be a dumbass, I simply require that you just give a shit.


Anonymous said...

Fuck you Jesus nigger.

Jack Camwell said...

Anonymous poster,
I just want to thank you for the incredibly brave thing you said. You are a testament to man-kind's ever-increasing insight to the human condition.

It's people like you that give me something to do in my spare time by making this blog relevant. If it weren't for you, then everything I do here would be completely for naught.

Thank you for informing me that I am both Jesus and a nigger. I was not aware of my status as a divinity or as a nigger.

I look foreward to anymore insight that you may have to offer in the future.

Keep reading, friend!

Anonymous said...

Yeah but whatever you say you have to admit , I bet she is one helluva fuck!

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