Friday, April 22, 2011

Time to bring it on home with the Top 5

Seriously, how many times do you think he jacked off to her,
in 3-D no less.
5.  James Cameron:  Not only did he make me puke my fucking guts out with Titanic, a steaming pile of shit love-story that took focus off of all the baller ship sinking shit, but he had to make another high-grossing steaming pile of shit.  This son of a bitch made a movie about blue aliens and how we evil humans tried to grab some mineral called “unobtanium.”  Fuck you for insulting my intelligence.  What makes me mad is that people liked it.  It was all critically acclaimed and what not, and now he’s got the highest grossing movie ever, ever.  The fact that a movie with a moral as intellectually deep as a fucking puddle in a bath tub was so widely accepted as “good cinema,” means that I was right to posit that 80% of Americans are functionally retarded.  It makes me mad, and he deserves a full-on kick to the balls for it.

4.  A worn out internet literary device, Strikethrough:  Okay, I know that I’m shitting on many of my cohorts who give me some decent traffic, but I’ve been meaning to say this to you guys.  In deference to your feelings (and your pageviews) I’ll be as nice about this one as possible.  C’mon, we need to stop.  I get it.  It’s clever because it’s like we get to look into your thought process.  I admit, the first time I saw it I chuckled, but then I realized that 98% of people who post on blogs or forums do it.  It very quickly lost its novelty.  You’re all intelligent people and good writers (trust me, I don’t throw around the good writer compliment often).  So as a group of bloggers, lets collectively agree to just fucking quit drop strikethrough.  We’re better than that.  And, I asked nicely, which is not something I’m akin to here in my little patch of internet space.  (I <3 all of you).

I think he raped a chick . . .
3.  Julien Assange: He’s the greatest intelligence analyst ever who, by his prowess and ability to understand everything in the world all at once, is able to know what classified information will cause no harm through its release.  Why would I want him to go away?  Oh right, because he’s an arrogant asshat who thinks he can discern what qualifies as “sensitive,” intelligence that might get someone killed.  Thank god he blacked out any names though.  I’m sure Tehran would never suspect the aid to their foreign minister as a spy as long as you black out his name.  For anyone who might use that to detract me, that was hyperbole.

You know what team I'm on?  I'm on
team "Twilight can go fuck itself."
2.  The Twilight Movie Series:  I don’t know if there’s supposed to be another sequel or not, but either way I want to slit my wrists.  Have I seen any of them?  Fuck no.  I’m not married and I don’t have a girlfriend.  So that means no one has forced me to endure 6+ hours of horrifying intellectual torture.  From the commercials I discerned that none of the actors were capable of displaying anything that resembles emotion or talent, so I opted out.  I don’t have a problem with vampire flicks, hell I love the True Blood series on HBO; it’s visceral and dirty, and it’s how vampires should be portrayed.  This Twilight crap, however, is nothing but a steaming pile of hormone driven teenage angst.  And not only that, but the actors seem to have the emotional depth of a giant pile of elephant shit, like the pile that suffocated that one zoo handler guy.  Yes, I realize that piles of elephant shit are incredibly deep, but they are also made of elephant shit.  Twilight is elephant shit.

I'm sure this is what Jesus had in mind as he was being
nailed to a fucking cross for this bitch's sins.
1.  The Westboro Baptists: I would rank these douche bags among the worst people on the planet.  As I have mentioned before, soiling the memory of the noble dead historically has been considered to be one of the lowest forms of human behavior.  And I’m sorry, but the First Amendment does not change the fact that they are hateful, ignorant, hypocrites who are the absolute worst examples of what Christianity is all about.  These fucks are the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, and they deserve to be beaten fiercely.  I fully realize that this makes me a hypocrite, seeing as how I claim to be a man of God, yet simultaneously call for the caning of his sheep, but I don’t really care.  They are like the guys that loot the bodies on a battlefield after the fighting is over: Fucking scumbag pieces of shit.  Eat my ass.  Eat everyone’s ass.  In a just world, you fucks would be used in place of canaries in coal mines.  A guy you worship endured the most horrifying torture and death, for your dumbass sins, and this is how you repay him? by shitting allover his message of peace and love?  You all are fine examples of why coat-hangers are an excellent tool for keeping the gene pool clean.

Well folks, I hope you've enjoyed this little list.  As you might be able to tell, I got angrier and more pissed off as the list went on.  I'll do another list like this some other time, but for a while I'll get back to shitting allover current events and what not.

And by the way, I've reached over 2000 pageviews as of like 2 days ago.  Thanks to everyone who has given this awful excuse for literature a chance, and please get more people to read.  The message of "Morons, go fuck yourselves," will never promulgate if we keep it to ourselves.

Thanks =D


KP said...

Your number one separates themselves from the rest. A worthy choice.

Karen Howes said...

I wholeheartedly agree with #!. Those people make me sick... but I suppose we should really pity them.

Jack Camwell said...

Yeah, I used to pitty idiots, now they just frustrate me.

By the way fellow contributors to the bloggosphere, don't hate me for #4!

Silverfiddle said...

I wish our SpecOps people would snatch the Westboro idiots, pack them in a scary black plane, and rendition them to Pakistan or Saudi Arabia.

While they were at it, they could do the same to some smug liberals, complete with their crappy cars with the "coexist" bumper stickers.

Jack Camwell said...

They'd surely be beheaded.

Anonymous said...

I think you should have included people who link their own blog in their blog. I really hate those people.


Jack Camwell said...

Hey you know what I hate? People named after King Koopa.

Harrison said...

I am puzzled by your top 5.

Jack Camwell said...

I was waiting for that.

My top 5 transcends political bounds, because I think there are things going on in society that are worse than the quibbles on Capitol Hill. The political problems we're having right now are mere symptoms of some larger things that are going on in society.

James Cameron makes a movie that has a moral content that a 5 year old could understand. Avatar does nothing to portray any complex human emotion or experience, and yet this movie is lauded and praised by everyone. That's a problem.

Twilight is the same. It's terrible cinema, yet people dig it. Why? Because people are losing any sense of what makes good cinema, and the degredation of cinema is just as bad as the degredation of literature. It's a sign that people are tired of thinking, and that they've given up.

Strikethrough I see in an Orwellian sense, that people feel like they have to use it to get their point across. I feel that strikethrough is limiting thought, and it insinuates that we can't use hyperbole freely. I wrote a graduate paper once on Orwell's knowledge theory and how the degredation and perversion of language is the first step on the path to totalitarianism. I don't like worn-out literary devices, and I see strikethrough as severely limiting the blogosphere in terms of meaningful expression.

Julien Assange did more to hurt America's perception around the world than any other person. He thinks that he somehow knows what intelligence is going to be safe to put out. Classified material is classified for a reason: we don't know what the enemy wants, so we keep it all under wraps. It's like the enemy is trying to put together a puzzle and they have to steal pieces from us to do it. The problem is we can't see their puzzle, so we have no idea what pieces they want.

Finally, the Westboro Baptists are no better than radical Muslims. If they lived in a country that was okay with beheading non-Christians or homosexuals, the Westboro Baptists would be doing it. They're vile, twisted individuals, and they are the worst that our society has to offer right now. They represent everything American stands against: intolerance, ignorance, and unenlightened theology. I perceive what they're doing to be far worse than whatever Obama is doing, because Obama is at least trying to make America better.

These fools are preying on the innocent to prove some point that's not even true. They are awful, they are dispicable, and they are my #1.