Friday, December 16, 2011

So a samurai, an Imam, and Mike Tyson walk into a bar . . .

. . . and the three of them, although not friends in any form, are drinking buddies for the night.  The samurai is chilling, looking super-serious and only moderately drinking because he never wants to lose focus and doesn't want to bring shame upon himself or his family.  The imam is not drinking at all because, of course, God commands that he not drink.  And Mike Tyson is drinking liberally, although not entirely beligerent.  Mike is fairly wealthy, so in a show of good faith, he buys everyone at the bar a round.

Well, one of Mike's friend, a little guy, walks in and tells him that some asshat outside the bar was messing with him.  Of course Mike can't allow that to happen to a friend, so he goes outside to sort things out.  It's not the best idea since Mike is a little bit drunk at this point.  Well, one thing leads to another, and Mike ends up decking the guy with a haymaker, knocking his ass out.

By the time Mike comes back into the bar to tell his friend what happened, a bar fight has erupted and violence is in full swing.  Frantically, Mike rushes in to save his friend and his drinking buddies, and to get all the fighting to stop so he can sort out just what the fuck happened.  Mike's solution to stopping the fighting: punch the fucking lights out of anyone who seems to be not on his side.

When everyone is finally calmed down and nursing some broken jaws and black eyes, Mike is finally able to ask his allies what the hell went wrong.  The imam starts, and he tells Mike that his friend (we'll call him Ira Rosenberg) recently evicted some of his family members from an apartment complex that Ira acquired.  When the imam confronted Ira to convince him to let his family members back into their homes, Ira told the imam to go fuck himself, and said that if they even set foot in the complex that he'd call Mike to beat them all up.  And if Mike were to refuse, then he'd just take matters into his own hands, consider them tresspassers, and shoot them on sight.

Another Muslim happened to hear about this, and instead of taking the imam's route of trying to dialogue with the guy, he immediately spit in Ira's face, and told him that if he had the power, he'd set fire to the apartment complex in the hopes of killing Ira and all his jew friends.  Ira didn't like the sound of that, so he hauled off and punched the imam in the face (because the imam didn't look that threatening anyway).

The brawl broke out, and the asshole Muslim started cutting off people's heads with a samurai sword that he mysteriously acquired, and that's when Mike showed up.  So Mike tries to talk shit out between the imam, Ira, and the asshole Muslim, and of course it doesn't help.  Not only that, but everyone in the bar now hates Mike because he punched them all out.  Meanwhile, the samurai has just been chilling this whole time, handing out samurai swords to all the Mike Tyson haters, knowing that they would forget the fact that he bought them all drinks and he was just trying to get things back to normal.

In the end, everyone hates Mike because not only is he a one-hitter-quitter, but he's meddlesome and arrogantly flaunts his wealth.  Poor Mike is left with one friend, Ira, who constantly starts trouble and just can't seem to take a fucking chill pill (because of course, everyone's out to get Ira . . . right?).  The imam is mad at Mike because he punched a fellow muslim (even though he's an asshole, and a bad muslim), and let's face it, the samurai never really liked Mike anyway.

So that was my best attempt at an allegory.  Interpret it however you will.

7 comments:

bill said...

don't know how long you worked on that it was awesome, mr. camwell;
thanks for the grins...b

Jack Camwell said...

I'm glad you enjoyed it Bill =)

I literally came up with the idea about 30 minutes before I posted it, and I was making it up as I went along.

Silverfiddle said...

That was pretty dang good!

Jersey McJones said...

Wow. That was really sobering! ;)

Excellent piece.

JMJ

D Charles QC said...

It works well for me.

Having said that reading up to the first three lines I thought it was going to be a really awesome joke ...

Jack Camwell said...

True story: I actually started out trying to make it funny, but as it went on I started to get a little more passionate.

When I get passionate, I start being less funny and more acerbic.

William McCullough said...

Very good Camwell....