Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Bacon Eaters

Most of you believe in God only because not believing in God would make you feel like your lives aren't special.  If tomorrow we proved that God didn't exist, how many of you would lose all hope in everything?  How many of you would suddenly feel the weight of your own insignificance?  And you are insignificant.  In the grand scheme of the universe, each life on this planet is like a single grain of all the Earth's sand combined.

You believe in God because it makes you feel less alone.  It makes you feel special because some OOB (omni-omni being) created you and loves you unconditionally.  When your life sucks, you comfort yourself with some notion of paradise and being eternally rewarded for your mortal suffering.  You believe in God because you must--because you lack the intellectual capacity to make your life meaningful in spite of its insignificance.

Gun control is no different.  You fools crying for more gun control are so deluded it's mind boggling.  You fools think that the law is going to save you.  Regulations and statutes will stop the madness!  Last I checked, murder is against the law, and that doesn't seem to stop people from murdering.  And guess what: guns are the least of your problem.  Explosives will definitely kill more than 12 people at once.

But go ahead.  Keep telling yourselves that more regulations will stop the killing.  You need to believe that, because to believe otherwise would be giving in to your own fear.  It's not easy to admit just how hopeless it all is.  It's uncomfortable to accept the fact that there really is nothing you can do except own a gun and defend yourself, or just pray that the crazies aren't coming for you.

And the NCAA sanctions.  The public cried for blood.  You demanded your pound of flesh, and the NCAA gave it to you.  They punished the Penn State administration, they punished the student athletes, and more importantly they punished Joe Pa beyond the grave somehow.  The best part is that you idiots gobbled it up.

You gobble up whatever you're told to gobble up.  About 60 years ago, society was convinced that bacon is the pinnacle of culinary delights, and for 60 years you've been gorging yourself on it.  Bacon.  It's fatty, it's salty, and damn it's tasty.  What they didn't tell you is that bacon is incredibly bad for your health, and that for 60 years you've been slowly killing yourselves.

Guys like me come along, guys who got a taste of filet mignon and rejected bacon.  We try to show you that you don't have to stick with bacon.  We try to convince you that you deserve better, but you won't listen.  Because bacon is SO good.  "THIS is living," you reply as you stuff a big wad of pig belly down your gullets.

They've convinced you that the guys offering you filet mignon are "crazy."  We're just "fringe wackoes."  We're just self-important pseudo-philosophers.  We're what your overlords call "idealists."  You buy that line of bullshit, too, because that allows you to maintain whatever worldview that allows you to sleep better at night.

The Bacon Eaters are those who reject reality in order to spare themselves from the pain of the lucid view.  You believe what you're told to believe whether it's Michael Moore or Rush Limbaugh.  You believe whatever you read whether it's the New York Times or the Bible.  You buy statistics that support your beliefs, but reject statistics that contradict your beliefs--because any statistic that proves you wrong is obviously "unreliable," right?

Most of you aren't smart enough to just wake up and realize you're killing yourselves.  You'll need a heart attack to wake you up.  The sad part is that there will be plenty of people who will still eat bacon after the heart attack, even while we offer filet mignon.

So please, eat your bacon.  Eat your bacon and die so the rest of us can move on and make something better out of this shit hole of a world you've handed my generation.

Actually, what's even sadder than that is that eventually, they'll convince you that dog meat is actually way better than bacon.  Soon enough, dog meat will be the pinnacle of civilization, and filet mignon will be the new utopia.


Silverfiddle said...

You really hold your fellow man in low regard...

KP said...

There is a reason I don't eat Pork Loin; it's because that leads to Pork Chops, which leads to Pork Ribs, which leads to Ham, which leads to Bacon ...

And I don't want to die from Bacon!

KP said...

There is only one time I make an exception for pork; and that is after I go to the range and fire about 60 rounds from a Springfield 45 semi-automatic and 40 rounds from a Ruger Super Redhawk Alaskan double action 44 Magnum revolver. The allure of mixing gun powder and BBQ pork ribs is just too strong. If only I could find an aftershave that smelled like gun powder and BBQ!

Jack Camwell said...


Yes. Yes I do hold my fellow man in low regard.


Bacon every now and then is okay so long as you see it for what it is. The problem is when people become convinced that bacon is the creme of the crop.

KP said...

I am one of those who can't handle their bacon, in any amount. A bite could turn into a pound.

It's like beer leads to wine leads to whisky leads to whisky straight from the bottle.

Best to avoid bacon, even in small amounts on cobb salads.

Jersey McJones said...

Jack, I can't think of anyone who thinks, let alone any notable person, who thinks we can find some constitutional, legal, realistic way of eliminating gun crime with gun control in America. Period.

If you really believe there is some gun control movement in America powerful enough at this day and age to make a difference, then I'll tell you what, I was born in Brooklyn, and I can guarantee that bridge. Cash only.

This is a non-issue. We're stuck with what we've got. We are well-armed, there are over 300,000,000 of us, so this kind of thing is going to happen. We could tweak things little here or there to make things a little bit safer, but you gun loons refuse to go along, and you are very numerous.


You obviously just don't care. You want what you want without any regard for your fellow citizens concerns.


Anonymous said...

To make my position very clear, I am not in favor of any more regulation or control that is a significant barrier to the common man. Guns in the hands of the responsible and trained is almost always a good thing.

That being said, if you want to really bust some assholes open on the other end and make the penalties for existing gun related crimes steeper, go for it.

If you would like to institute some sort of required testing to obtain your "gun permit" and this test wasn't just more ball busting bullshit, I could get on board with that as well. I have absolutely no problem with background checks and the like, because I have done nothing wrong and I know this, sure it is inconvenient, but I feel it is fair. After I got my permit I could just use that for my background check perhaps.

Make the issue about people and their competence, skill, and responsibility instead of about the weapons themselves, and you have sold me.

Anonymous said...

Damn, I edited that last paragraph a couple times and somehow left out the piece on the permit only would pertain for the weapons that have more "firepower", or whatever weapons were on the "questionable" list

Jack Camwell said...

" . . . you gun loons . . ."

Did I forget to mention that categorization is something that Bacon Eaters love to do?

It helps you dismiss people more easily. You calling me a "gun loon" is no different than Teresa calling me a relativist.

Harrison said...

But I like bacon. There is bacon flavored gum but not filet mignon flavored gum.

Most people live their lives in a bubble and die. That is true. Some of us know this and fight to tamp down the misery that could easily be. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss.

Interesting, forceful, article.

And yes... I think you are correct about god.

Jersey McJones said...

Alright, so maybe that was a little harsh, Jack, but it too often seems to me that the "pro-2nd amendment" arguments are just loony; irrational, hyperbolic, unrealistic, etc. Loony's a good word for it, if you ask me.

I mean the silliness of the arguments! 'You can kill people with a spoon if you really want to,' etc. Guns make killing very convenient and easy. You come at me with a bat, and you'd better come from behind, because I'm very quick and strong. You come at me with a gun, I'm screwed, from any angle, and at quite a distance, unless it backfires, or your practically blind.

Making a bomb is extremely risky, unless you really know what you're doing, and the government, especially since 9/11, IS watching for those sorts of activities.

Of course, that's because of terrorism - though your own furniture in your house is statistically more dangerous to you. But even in the case of terrorism, the gun loons won't even let the government stop people on the terrorist watch list from buying guns! It's INSANE.

The gun loons have taken the well-regulated out of the Second Amendment, and it's made us all a little less safe. No amount of regulation will make us totally safe, and no one believes that, though the gun loons sleazily assert that people who disagree with them do. But we have to have some regulation, at least of sales and trade and manufacturing. My God, it's harder to rent a bicycle than buy a gun in many places!

Then there's that sleazy, irrelevant argument that specific cities and states that have stronger laws have as much or more gun crime, as if it never once occurred to anyone to buy a gun out of state! Really?



Joe Markowitz said...

Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. What would be the harm of a tax on bullets? Don't you think the Colorado shooter would have bought fewer rounds if he had to pay a hefty tax on all that ammo?

If you want less of something, tax it. We tax the hell out of cigarettes and liquor. That does have some impact on consumption, and it also provides us with a great source of revenue which can be used for education or health care or whatever we choose.

Tax the shit out of bullets! Use the revenues to compensate the victims of gun violence, or for gun safety training, or whatever we want. What have we got to lose?

Joe Markowitz said...

And since Kevin is going to object that he shouldn't have to pay more to practice at the range, where he can't possibly hurt anyone, I'll agree that we can give the ranges a big rebate if they are providing useful gun safety classes and helping people with their marksmanship.

Jack Camwell said...

What's loony, Jersey, is that we still think laws and regulations are going to stop psychos.

And Joe, making it more costly to buy and own guns/ammo only unfairly penalizes the 99.9% of gun owners who are, and will remain, law abiding citizens.

Joe Markowitz said...

There are something like 100,000 people killed or injured by guns every year, so that means that even if you're right that 99.9% of gun owners are law abiding citizens, there must be a lot of those law abiding citizens whose guns are causing a lot of that death and injury. And if you are a gun owner, you never know for sure if your gun is going to be the one to cause death or injury. Your kid might borrow it. Your spouse might shoot you with it. So why is it unfair to ask every gun owner to pay a tax to compensate for all the death and injury caused by guns? It's no different than buying insurance.

Jack Camwell said...

Out of those 100,000, how many of those people were victims of gang violence or just violent crime involving firearms?

That 100,000 accounts for just 3% of the American population, and according to you that includes people injured by guns.

Because why should guns be any different than any other tool that can be used to kill someone? Just because it's easier?

What percentage of Americans are obese? Are we going to start putting regulations on how much food we're allowed to eat, and tax everyone out the ass so we can help the gigantically fat people pay for their medical bills for slowly killing themselves?

(I realize NYC is trying to ban soda drinks over 16 oz., and that is completely asinine and futile)

KP said...

When you unreasonably tax diggies or bacon or bullets or alcohol, you create a black market and the opportunity to smuggle. In other words crime.

Jack Camwell said...

Not to mention that good, honest, hard working Americans make their livelihoods on the sale of guns and ammunition.

Tax the piss out of the ammo and sure, people will buy less of it. But that means that distributors will also suffer.

Why in the hell do some people think that taxing everything is the answer? Why do you act like laying taxes is somehow done in a bubble in which nothing else is affected by it?

Joe Markowitz said...

You could make all the same arguments about cigarettes and alcohol. But most people seem to have no problem with very high taxes on those items. We have to tax something, and it is only logical to tax the things we want to have less of.

Jack Camwell said...

That's the thing though, Joe, is I don't want less of it.

I could care less if a law-abiding citizen has more guns and ammo than a police station. That's the person's right, and he shouldn't be penalized for it simply because less than 1% of the population loses their shit and kills people.

Guns and ammo are a completely different product from cigarretes and alcohol in terms of the elasticity of the market demand.

I think it would be interesting to note, Joe, that concealed carry is not legal in Colorodo. Look how that law affected James Holmes' decision . . .

Joe Markowitz said...

People also have the right to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol. And where do you get your information on the relative elasticity of demand? I would be curious to see that.

Anonymous said...

My question is going to seem strange here... but how is this going to solve the real problem, the real problem being people who are warped enough to kill? Is taxing something really going to stop them? Does it stop people from driving drunk and killing themselves? Does it stop people like me from smoking and killing myself really slowly?

Chris Rock was being funny when he made his "bullets on layaway" comments, I don't think it was meant to be serious =/

I have a freaking arsenal in my basement, everything from a 1903 Springfield to a polymer framed HK USP, I haven't killed anyone yet? If ammo suddenly became much more expensive (It already is expensive) I would simply take up hand loading again.

Let's not even get into the debate of whether or not we need more taxes to let our worthless government piss away on stupid bullshit blackholes.

Focus instead on the highly motivated people who use a gun to commit murder, and wonder to yourself if they really would be stopped at all by a tax?