Friday, August 10, 2012
Rules for Being Involved in American Politics
The other day Jersey called me "jingoistic," because of my lampoon of a campaign poster. This has taken me down a line of logic that has led me to the conclusion that American politics is completely fucked, and that there is no such thing as "an adult conversation," anymore. So if we know it's not serious, why take it so seriously?
Without further ado, here are the rules.
10. Feelings are king (or queen)!
Who gives a shit about things like "ideas" or what Albert Camus refers to as "reconciling everything we believed." You don't need to make sure that your worldview is logically consistent, because often times logical consistency will lead you to feeling uncomfortable, depressed even. It's much easier to just believe that your feelings somehow mean something rather than to admit to yourself that your feelings are many times complete bullshit. So why bother torturing yourself when you can just push aside facts, logic, and reason and feel good about your world-view?
9. 70% of the time, statistics are 65% accurate every time.
That's a play on a line from Anchorman starring Will Ferrel ("60% of the time it works every time). Here's the thing I've noticed about statistics: there's statistics out for everything, and often times those statistics will directly contradict one another. But that's okay, because so long as you can find a statistic that somewhat agrees with your feelings (see rule 10), then that means it's 100% true.
8. Everyone who isn't (insert your political party) obviously hates America.
Barack Obama clearly hates America. Actually, so does Mitt Romney. Holy shit: EVERYONE HATES AMERICA. It's amazing that the United States has survived so long with so many politicians who have dedicated their careers to destroying this country. If you believe that the rich should be taxed more, then you obviously hate America. If you believe that Americans have the inalienable right to bear arms, then you obviously hate America.
7. The guy you vote for always has your best interest at heart.
The reason that all the rich Republicans want fewer restrictions on the market is definitely because they think it will line YOUR pockets with more gold. They are completely disinterested. And the Democrats want the welfare state to continue forever, and to spend money on welfare programs that don't help people find gainful employment simply because it's the right thing to do. They don't count on those welfare lifers to vote for them or anything. Also, everyone in DC wants everything to change, even the congressmen who have benefitted the most off of everything being screwed up. Congressmen and women don't care about votes: they just care about "the people" (who vote for them).
6. Compromise is for spineless assholes.
You can't always get what you want. And if you're a (insert your rival political party) you actually can NEVER have what you want, because what you want will fuck everything up beyond repair. What you want is to turn America into a vast totalitarian state in which we're all controlled by Big Brother. Or, you obviously want all of America to be a big anarchy in which all the rich people feast on the flesh of the poor people's babies. Oh, you also want to make Islam America's official religion, and you definitely think that America is meant only for white people of European descent. So it's my way, or the highway. Asshole!
5. If a media source presents facts that contradict your beliefs, that media source is clearly biased and therefore not credible.
Well I mean this goes without saying. We simply can't trust a news report from the Associated Press, because their facts are a clear representation if media bias. How dare they present facts that support the party I hate! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to Crooks and Liars for a fair and ballanced account! There is only one side to see in all of this: my side. Any other perspective is just trying to trick me! How dare the AP talk about the Occupy Oakland violence that was started by the protestors. Those facts are clearly biased!
4. All Democrats/Republicans, Liberals/Conservatives are the same.
Republicans are all racist, and Democrats are all commies. Anyone who ever mocks Obama is clearly a jingoistic asshole who hates Obama, liberty, and puppies. If you're an asshole who actually defends Obama, then you're an Obama appologist who hates Amurrrica, liberty, and morality. If you support gun rights, you're a gun-nut. If you are pro-choice, then you're a liberal hippie who hates babies. You're either with us, or you're against us.
3. White vs. Black is always racist, Black vs. White is always justified.
A "white" guy shoots a black teenager who allegedly assaulted him: definitely racist. A group of black guys who capture, torture, rape, and murder a white couple: can't possibly be racist. A white guy calls a black guy "lazy." Well he's definitely a member of the KKK. A black guy who calls a white guy an "oppressor," or tells his black friend to stop "acting white?" Well that's okay because his ancestors were enslaved by white men 150 years ago. Also, "gangsta rap," is just counter-culture and completely permissible, while white supremacist music is just plain hateful and violent.
2. The religion of other people, or lack thereof, is a clear indication of their inferiority.
Well, if you're a Muslim then you obviously want to jihad everyone. If you're not jihading everyone, then it's only a matter of time before you do. Because Islam is a religion of pure violence, and eventually all Muslims everywhere are going to rise up and murder their Christian and Jewish oppressors. Oh, and all of you are completely retarded anyway because you believe in God in the first place. Only a sheople would believe in something as asinine as God. Your religion, and religion in general, is the antithesis of everything American.
1. Say ANYTHING that supports your position, even if you have no idea if it's true.
Facts are for "academians" and professors who sit in their ivory towers. If you want to really prove your point, then just say whatever you want on national TV. Obama was born in Kenya? Sure. Romney hasn't paid taxes in 10 years? Why not. I mean, who gives a shit about veracity knowing that maybe, MAYBE, .0001% of the people who hear those obviously crazy statements will actually hop on the interwebs and do some fact checking. All that matters is that you rally more people to your side.